In my distress I cried to the LORD and He heard me. –Psalm 120:1
Sometimes losing a battle can actually bring victory for our spirit because we are fighting for the wrong side. I was recently involved in a spiritual battle and unknowingly I was fighting against God. I was battling to understand His ways and I was battling for Him to react in certain ways that I thought He should react… But guess what? God did not respond in the ways that I thought He should. This angered me and threw me into a battle of my own pride and self-will against God. I became angry with God and told Him that if He was allowing things to happen this way then He must not even be there. The problem is I was lying to myself. My heart knows God in a personal way. He has walked with me since I was a young boy. I cannot deny His presence in my life. But does that mean I know He is there in an intellectual way? Not exactly. I couldn’t prove God to you and this was my battle—I had set out to prove God to myself. I was testing God and telling Him what I thought He should be doing.
The issue is I was going through these terrible uncontrollable mood swings. I would get thrown into these deep depression spells that seemed to have no trigger. They started months ago and had become increasingly more consistent to the point that it was happening multiple times a week, for a day or two at a time. I almost considered going to see a psychologist. Looking back at how uncontrollable this was I seriously think it may have been demonic influences and dark forces trying to steal my joy in Christ. The problem I had with defeating this battle is instead of trusting in God’s word to get me through it, I turned it against Him and blamed Him, doubting His word.
At the point of writing this I have not had one of these depression spells in almost a month and I really believe I was cured and delivered by God. How did it happen? By giving up. I gave up on the complex of having to intellectually understand how God works. I gave up on trying to prove God’s existence to myself. I was driving and heard a song on the radio that said “What do I stand for? Some nights I don’t know.” I said to myself, “I don’t know and that’s ok.” I was referring to knowing intellectually if God exists or not. Suddenly a wave of peace and calming swept over me. I felt a load of weight released from my shoulders. It was the first time I felt the Holy Spirit in quite some time and it came from admitting my own intellectual doubt of God’s existence.
It’s ok to say “I don’t know.” It’s ok to be honest with yourself and your doubts. It’s ok to be you. We believe by faith and not sight. My heart is much further along in my faith than my intellect and God knows this. I am finite and He is infinite. I am not God and neither are you… It’s ok. He understands this and loves you far more than you will ever understand. Take a deep breath in and exhale slowly. Whisper His name for He is near! Hope lives and His name is Jesus!
I rise before the dawning of the morning, and cry for help; I hope in Your word. -Psalm 119:147