If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind. For let not that man suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways. –James 1:5-8
I have been on a search lately striving for a stronger faith, but the problem is faith cannot be forced. We cannot wake up one day and say, “today I have strong faith.” It’s not so much a choice I’ve found but a gift from God that usually comes as the outcome of my experiences. Of course there are those that say to be weary of basing your faith all on experiences, but if we can’t experience God then what is the Bible about? It is an entire book of experiences. We believers long for these experiences—these little tastes of heaven. Just a brush of God’s fingers across my back can rejuvenate me and fill me up to be ready to face to the world.
The problem is when I go through these spiritual dry spells, lacking experiences, the doubting and “big questions” start to take me over. My brain flips on it’s God given, instinctual philosophical thinking. I begin to analyze everything and postmodernism begins to eat at my faith. “One’s perception of truth is all subjective” they say… Well, by definition there can only be one truth to our existence and every person by nature has to have a worldview on the way they perceive life. I suppose postmodernism is just being honest with ourselves, admitting that we can never be absolutely sure that our worldview is correct. Whatever our worldview is—whether theism or atheism, creationism or evolution, Buddhist or nihilist—we all place a certain amount of faith into our perception of truth.
I have felt quite unstable lately. I have become “the double-minded man.” Christianity teaches honesty but when I am honest with myself about my doubts I have trouble conforming all my beliefs to Western Christianity. I have prayed to God to help me through it. I have cried out to hear back from Him but I have not been getting anything in reply. I wish I could turn off my mind and just enjoy the simple things of life but I have become obsessed with the unseen. Socrates said “the unexamined life is not worth living” but I’m not so sure I agree with him. I think I would side more with whoever first said, “Ignorance is bliss.” When I was a child I didn’t think so philosophically and I just enjoyed things for what they were. Perhaps that ‘s what Jesus meant when he said “Assuredly, I say to you, unless you are converted and become as little children, you will by no means enter the kingdom of heaven.” By striving to find meaning in life do we completely miss it?